The Dork With A Hot Boyfriend
by NARUkO
Summary: ...So we were in total darkness. We were in the privacy of a dungeon. No one had to know except the two of us. But, you know. The burden of my secret is killing me and all that stuff...My second fic! It sounds good, no?
1. Frenching Tutorials

_A/N: My fic number TWO! It's written in a very different style, more colloquial. So here's something for the teens to relate to…I hope you all like it._

_I do not own Harry Potter. Oh well. You can't have everything._

**Chapter One; Frenching Tutorials**

Look, I know I'm supposed to be the smartest witch in my year and all, and that I'm the sensible one, and I always know what's right and stuff. But you really can't blame me. For doing what I did, I mean.

Think about it. If you were in my place, wouldn't you have done the same?

Please say yes.

Is it really my fault? Because being in the situation that I was in, and being the innocent little witch with no experience whatsoever that I was, of course I'd get a little desperate.

I mean, you have to realize just how close we were. And just how his sexy eyes had looked into mine. And just how my hand had brushed across his stomach just seconds earlier, and just how hot his abs were.

I think any girl in my place would have done the same. Ginny certainly would. Was it not only the day before she had been telling me how I had to get a move on and find some dude to make a boyfriend? Maybe it was that little speech, and her kissing tutorials that had manipulated me just a little.

Just a little. A little enough to make me french Malfoy.

Yes, I know. It was THE dumbest thing I could have ever done. And me passing out after was NOT the greatest way to show that I was totally relaxed and couldn't care less, like Ginny had instructed.

Give me a break, ok? It's not like I just walked up to him and boom smack kissed him in front of like Professor McGonagall or anything. Which wouldn't have been very good at all, since my grades haven't exactly been climbing Mt. Everest. More like sliding down it in a pair of rocket skis.

But whatever. That is not the point.

So we were in total darkness. We were in the privacy of a dungeon. No one had to know except the two of us. But, you know. The burden of my secret is killing me and all that stuff.

At least he hasn't got total human-repelling looks. He's pretty hot, according to the consoling comment from Ginny. That was pretty much the only consoling thing she said in the hospital wing when I had come round though. The rest of her visit consisted mostly of her disbelieving yelling and my face slowly getting redder.

And she'd also demanded the whole story, all details included, no matter how small. Which I had been very reluctant to tell in front of the unsuspecting ears of fellow hospital lodgers. And, Harry or Ron or some gossipy girl might have been hanging around outside the door, or something.

But being the viciously stubborn girl she is, I had to tell her. It was that or she would blab to the school about my little Ron-crush.

Sheesh. Some best friend, huh? Not that I actually believed she would tell the entire school. But Ginny has done some pretty daring things in the past, so I wanted to be on the safe side.

So, I lay there in the hospital wing sheets. Which were pretty soft, by the way. No wonder Harry keeps getting injured. It's almost _worth _breaking your arm if you get to sleep all day in those heavenly sheets for the next couple of days. I'm serious.

Anyway. Back to the point. I beckoned Ginny closer, so I didn't have to talk loud enough for any lurking gossipy girls hanging around outside the door to hear.

And I told her everything:

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Like I said before, my grades were going down. No, plunging into a never ending pit, more like.

Don't ask me why. Maybe the stress of having to take care of two completely irresponsible boys who seem to find their way into stopping every little evil plan or take-over-the-world mission (mainly involving a particularly ugly dude named Voldemort) for six years finally hit me.

Or maybe it was the fact (as Ginny has been kind enough to remind me continuously for quite some time; two years to be exact) that I simply haven't found myself a guy. Ok, so Victor was a world famous Seeker champion, and he had liked me a lot. But he was kind of a weirdo. And yeah, I found Ron pretty hot sometime in the middle of Sixth Year, but I thought that totally humiliating when Ginny pointed out his dumbass walk, and his slight body odour. And I made her swear never to tell anyone.

Whatever it was, in the Muggle world, my report card was not going to be something Mom and Dad would give me extra allowance for.

So McGonagall gave me detention. How sweet of her, don't you think? To give me detention when she had already piled extra homework onto my shoulders and tell me I'd better improve, fast. How is that going to happen? I pointed this out to her, but she only replied in a rather icy tone, that my detention was to make me realize just how serious my grade drop was getting. She didn't mention the extra homework.

So after I'd cleared up the mess Neville made in the potions classroom as my detention, I slipped out the door and made my way across the stone hall to the stairs at the end. I started thinking about all the homework I had to do, and I got lost in thought. My footsteps echoed off the walls, and it was kinda creepy, like in one of those freaky movies where you're walking all alone and suddenly a zombie or something jumps at you and you scream before you realize it's just, like, your friend or something, and you're like "Dude, I seriously thought you were a zombie!"

Which is actually almost what happened. Except I didn't think he was a zombie or anything. And I didn't exactly get to talk to him after I looked up from the ground, and jolted out of my thoughts when I tripped over my shoe lace. Which is really dorky, I know. But we'll just keep that little detail to ourselves.

I went flying. I prepared for contact with the stone floor, but instead, someone snatched me out of the air, saving me from an unquestionable pain in the knees. My hands flew out to grab whoever it was for support, and my right hand touched the rescuers' stomach, by accident. I assure you, it was an accident. Not a bad one though, as his abs were a real slice of heaven. My eyes widened and glanced up to meet the face of none other than my worst enemy, Draco stupid Malfoy.

But at that exact moment he wasn't very stupid. To me, anyway. I sinking into his silver eyes, and I had no intention of getting out. That was when Ginny's endless Get-A-Guy-Already lectures hit home.

I thought, _this is it! My chance! _

And I kissed him. I just did it, and it was actually not that excruciatingly horrible. Ok, I admit it. It was better than any chocolate fudge sundae after two weeks in Siberia.

It wasn't a French at first. Just a normal kiss on the lips, though it lasted for more than one of those half-a-second pecks little kids do when they're on a dare in the fourth grade. Then, I was surprised to feel something lapping my lower lip, and I took that to mean he wanted some tongue. Not that I would know, since it was my first time and everything. Hey, I was a book nerd, ok?

My heart started beating really fast at this, and I started wondering what the hell I was doing. But I could feel his Quidditch abs against my upper stomach, on account of us being mashed up together and all, and that changed my mind. So I opened my mouth and welcomed him in for a cup of tea and raisin cake.

I hope I did it right. I truly pray I didn't screw it up. Because that would just be the last straw. My dorkness would overwhelm me and I would simply roll over and die.

I must have done all right though, since he didn't pull away or anything. His hand rested on the small of my back, and I swear, I was aware of that hand for the full two or three minutes we were making out. I was really self conscious.

And I pulled away first, and we just stood there, and I got lost in a world where I was a little school girl totally excited because she had a hott boyfriend, and he was looking down at me, and I think he was going over what had just happened. Which was when I did, too. And then I realized.

_OH MY GOD.. I just frenched Draco Malfoy. _

I think my brain had a seizure, or something. Everything blacked out, and the next thing I knew, I was lying in the cloud-like sheets of the hospital wing, Malfoy nowhere in sight.

_A/N: Please review! This is the first time I've every written anything anywhere in this style. Am I messing it up? _


	2. Dean's Natural Black Ass

**Chapter Two; Dean's Natural Black Ass**

Ginny stared at me from her little wooden chair.

"Are you serious?" she croaked, her eyes wide.

"Um….yes?" I didn't know if it was a rhetorical question or what, so I just answered her with the truth.

"Unbelievable."

She just sat there, shaking her head. I was wondering when she was going to start hugging me and telling me what a great job I'd done, kissing Malfoy. Yes, I know he's my arch enemy forever more, but come on. He's so damn hot. And I had kissed him.

"Well, he _is _pretty hot, but…You made out with _Draco Malfoy!" _

I raised my eyebrows. I mean, I know she has trouble in History of Magic and all, but I really thought her attention span lasted longer than that.

"_Yes._ Just like you said."

At that Ginny's eyes flamed up.

"Like I said? Oh no…no way are you going to pin this on me, Hermione."

I was getting confused. Pin it on her? She had told me to find a boyfriend only the day before, for God's sake! She had practically given me permission to go ahead and kiss Malfoy!

"It's bad enough that you go and kiss that idiot, and tell me that you enjoy it, talk about his "hot abs" and stupid eyes, but now you're trying to blame _me?" _

I was sinking lower and lower under the hospital blanket. Only my brown eyes peeped over the edge. I glanced around to make sure there were no heavy objects she might have konked me with, possibly knocking me unconscious again.

"Well you can just forget it, missy."

Have I ever told you that I do not like being called missy? No? Well, that M-word _really_ gets on my nerves.

"Hey! Ginny, you're the one who's been ranting at me for the past two years to find a nice, sweet guy to make my boyfriend before someone else does!"

Which was when I stopped short. That sentence was _all _wrong.

Correction number one. Malfoy is most certainly not a nice, sweet guy. I'm not even sure if he's human.

Correction number two. Malfoy as my boyfriend? That would not be a pretty picture. Mainly for reasons including we hate each other.

Correction number three. About the part that says before someone else does? Yeah, TOO LATE Hermione! I don't think there's one single person who has seeing-abilities who hasn't spotted Malfoy and Pansy having some fun in the library and making eyes at each other at dinner. I have been victim to countless hours of distracted studying in the library because of the giggles and strange noises coming from behind their favorite book case.

So all in all, I didn't have much to defend myself with.

Ginny seemed to know the argument was pointless, anyway, since she just turned around and stomped out of the ward.

Isn't it nice to know best friends always support you no matter what you do?

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When I was lying there, by my pitiful self, I started wondering how I had gotten here. To the hospital wing, I mean. All I could remember was that I had blacked out, and when I opened my eyes again, I was lying in these lovely sheets.

And then I realized. Malfoy must have carried me here, or something. Or he might have left me there on the stone cold floor, and assumed someone else would come and pick me up.

But, you know, we had kissed and everything, so I doubt he had done that. I hope not, anyway.

And how had Ginny heard that I was in the hospital wing? She hadn't heard the story, that I know, because the first she asked me when she saw I was conscious again was "What did you do now?"

But how could she know that I was in the hospital wing but not know what had happened? I couldn't ask her, since she's so mad at me.

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"HA! WELL YOU CAN KISS MY NATURAL BLACK ASS!"

What a wonderful greeting. These were the first words that met my delicate ears the moment I stepped into Gryffindor common room.

My head snapped around, and I saw Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan glaring angrily at each other. I wanted to point out to Dean that the expression he had just yelled was screamed mostly by black _girls_, but it didn't look like a very good opportunity, due to the fact that he was regarding Seamus in a way that…well, if looks could kill, a certain Mr. Seamus Finnigan wouldn't exist right now. And I didn't want to draw his fuming attention to me. I'd already been in the blinding white of the hospital to last me the next two weeks, thanks. Even with the sheets.

"They aren't the only two arguing," I muttered to myself and made my way over to the two squishy armchairs by the fire.

"Hermione!" Ron was facing me from one of the armchairs.

"Where've you been, Hermione? Ginny was looking for you, and then she asked for the Marauder's Map…" Harry craned his neck around the back of his armchair.

So that's how she found me.

"I was in the hospital wing." My big mouth answered immediately.

"What were you doing there?" Harry frowned.

_Oops._

"Uhh…" Crazy excuses involving killer sheep and spoons poking me in the eye raced frantically around my head.

"I ate something funny for dinner last night. I didn't feel too good." I garbled.

Which would never really be true in Hogwarts, since the house elves totally make sure there's nothing weird in the food, so unless you're allergic to something, you wouldn't get sick because of dinner. And that's really nice and all, but the house elves shouldn't even be working here free of charge in the first place. But don't get me started on that.

But it worked, anyway. They both just shrugged and turned back to their homework.

They have so obviously never read _Hogwarts: A History._

My heart sank just then. 'Cause I realized that I had last night's homework to catch up to, and that I had missed a whole day's worth of work and the teachers must have given homework for tonight, too. And I doubt McGonagall would believe my dinner story, unlike these two dunces here. Especially since we had a really simple dinner yesterday. I mean, who gets allergic to mashed potato or beef and then eats it?

So I trudged up to my dorm and retrieved my bag. I dragged it down the stairs again, and pulled up a chair at the table where Harry and Ron were sitting. I dumped my books on the table.

"Can I copy from you guys?"

_Thud._

Ron had just dropped a particularly boring-looking leather bound book. Harry stared at me.

"Hermione? Maybe you should go back to the hospital wing. I'm not entirely convinced you're cured." He said. Ron was apparently speechless, according to the gaping mouth and bulging eyes.

"Ha. Ha. Please?" I made puppy eyes.

They had no effect whatsoever.

"Are you crazy?"

Probably. Afterall, I made out with Malfoy and I didn't puke.

"Come on you guys…I have so much catching up to do, and I really don't feel like doing homework right now! I'm exhausted and it would be so much easier if I could copy, just this once."

"Exhausted from what? Sneaking Victor into Hogwarts and snogging him in the closet?" Ron seemed to have been revived.

Snogging? You have no idea.

"_No._" I grabbed their books and parchment. I scanned their work, and knew from general knowledge of the topic that it was all wrong.

"Um…never mind. I think I'll do it myself."

I climbed back up the stairs, my bag trailing behind me. In my dorm again, I tossed it over in the corner and collapsed on my bed. I yawned. Why was I so tired? You'd think passing out and then spending the rest of the day lying down would leave you full of energy. But it seemed my get up and go had got up and gone. I rolled over.

I should have jumped out of bed, grabbed my bag, and started working there and then. I should have at least attempted to do some of the homework I hadn't done the previous day.

But I didn't. My eyes sagged, and I fell asleep. It was going to be a tough day tomorrow.

_A/N: This was a bit of pointless chapter, wasn't it? Ah well…please review! I'll try and make it more interesting next time._


	3. He Knows

_A/N: Thanks for all those reviews! They make me so happy. I forgot to credit what Dean was yelling at Seamus. It comes from the movie "Bringing Down the House". Thank you, ocardevoli for reminding me!_

**Chapter Three; He Knows**

I woke up with Lavender in my face. Not that she's a monster or anything, but gossipy airheads are not exactly the kind of people I'd like to talk to first thing in the morning.

I groaned and rolled over – coming face to face with Parvati who was squatting on that side of the bed.

I groaned and rolled over again, thinking there must be some free space, but Lavender grabbed my arm and tried to pull me out of bed.

"Come _on, _Hermione! You should have been up like, half an hour ago!"

"AH!" Her words hit me in the head like a hammer. _Shit,_ I realized, my stomach disappearing somewhere in the region of my knees. _I haven't done any of my homework! _

I knew I'd never make it, plus, I was half an hour late…I'd be lucky if I made it to class, let alone do my homework.

_What am I going to do? _I wrung my hands, jumped around and started breathing so hard it came out as tiny snorts. It's a thing, okay?

Parvati raised an eyebrow at me and Lavender just looked plain weirded.

"Are you okay?" Lavender asked me.

"Yeah, you are freaking me out, Hermione. Stop it."

I stopped. Took a deep breath. Thought about what I was going to do. Didn't know what I was going to do. Started freaking out again. Hey, I'm no good in any crisis.

"You guys have to help me!" I pleaded. Those two aren't the most reliable people in the world, but they were the only ones around.

"With what?"

"My homework!"

"You haven't done your _homework?_" Parvati was looking at me like I had just told her we should be bestest friend forever and ever, and giggle in the night over a midnight feast and play ponies and braid each other's hair.

But realistically, not before she had straightened and sprayed and styled my hair, or something. The Three Deadly S's.

Back to the point.

"Well, we're going to get anywhere panicking," Lavender said. She seemed to be focused. Don't ask me why, though. I mean, my reputation and image as the nerdy walking magic-encyclopaedia was at stake, here. "Do you know any spells or something that can like, do your homework for you?"

I really thought she was joking. It was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard in my life. That was, until I realized she kinda had a point.

"Huh…" I stood there for a few seconds, wondering where I was going to get that kind of spell. I certainly didn't know one. Normally I don't approve of these kinds of cheats.

Parvati checked her watch.

"Forty minutes."

"OKthanksguysseeyoulaterbye!"

I grabbed my bag and dashed out the girls' dormitory.

"Hermione, wait! You're totally wearing the same thing as like, yesterday!" Lavender called after me.

If only Fred and George were still around. They would definitely be able to give me a homework-doing spell. And it hit me. Lee Jordan! He wasn't in the common room, so I hurried down to the Great Hall. I bet he was just finishing up his breakfast.

Lee had been the twins' best friend, and they had done all their silly pranks together, and I knew he had to have something that could help me. And he probably did, if only I ever got to talk to him about it.

Because as I was half running down some hall, not really looking where I was going, a certain flying someone started pelting me with chalk, and then dumping a trash can on my head, causing me to trip and land on my hands and knees.

"Argh!" I turned and sat on my butt and peeped under the rim, hurt and pissed off and covered in classroom garbage.

"Peeves!" He grinned evilly at me. "Peeves, I will get you, I swear to God, this is not the right time to be messing with me!"

He adjusted his stupid ugly bow tie and opened his mouth.

"Oh you'll get me, will you? Are you quite so sure? Because really, if you are, I'm thinking that _I _could get _you _right back."

Completely nonplussed, I wondered what the hell kind of tactic was this?

"And how, exactly, would you get me back?"

He flipped around and regarded me from his upside down position.

"I could tell."

I slowly got to my feet. Tell what? That I haven't done my homework? Sorry Peeves, but everyone in class's gonna know anyway.

He smiled maliciously, turned the right side up, and paused before he sang:

"Granger and Malfoy, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes LOVE-"

My heart dropping like it's hot, I wildly tried to grab him out of the air, but he just circled higher above my reach.

"-Then comes MARRIAGE-"

"Peeves! Shut up! Please shut it, God damn it!" I yelled.

But he had to finish.

"-Then comes the baby in the baby carriage!"

I expected him to stop there. But he just sang louder.

"That's not all, no, that's not all-"

"PEEVES!" I screamed and hurled the trash can at him. He stopped. I looked around frantically but the hall was deserted. I just prayed no one had heard.

Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!

"How the – what – you were? – you _know?_"

Why thank you, Captain Obvious.

"_How_ do you know?"

And a horrible thought struck me.

"You weren't - _there_?"

Peeves' toothy smile widened.

"Nice show, Granger! I always knew you had a thing for that Slytherin."

Ignoring this comment, I knew I was in deep, deep shit. My mind raced for something I could use in this situation.

"Fine! Go ahead and tell everyone! See if I care," I tried. Reverse Psychology. People say it works…

His eyes lit up. "Perfect!" he cackled.

Crap.

"No! I take it back. Ok, Peeves, please don't tell anyone! I swear, if you tell anyone, I will die!" I begged.

"Can't promise anything, Miss Smartyhead!"

And he let out the rudest noise from his rear end and zoomed away on fart power. What a disgusting little man.

My heart was racing. My face was flushed. My hands were shaking. And my mind in total panic as I stood there, all alone.

_A/N: I'm so sorry I've been absent for so long, but I haven't had my computer forever, due to vacation and moving to a different continent and all that. Review! Please please please._


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